9/21/08
Bringing it Home!
Minons! It's been a minute since we last graced your eyball pieces. Fret not! We have been nothing but busy! After the next two shows, we'll have been to 7 conventions in 11 months, spreading that sickness as only Hack Mother Fucking Movies can! We've been spreading our funky seed in Chicago, in Louisville Kentucky, and in Indianapolis Indiana, just to name a few cities. And our tour de fuck finally concludes for the year with a pair of HUGE local events for us here in our home town of St. Louis Missouri!
First up is the 32nd anual Archon Sci-Fi convention at the Collinsville Illinois convention center from October 3rd-5th! In addition to Hack Movies being on hand at the show selling our merch and generally cavorting with every fine ass bitch within ten feet of our table, we're also screening two Hack Movies classics! First up is that ruthless ass Colonel Kill Motherfuckers! He comes slashing his way to the big screening on Friday, October 3rd at 5:00pm sharp! then later that night, through a thick cloud of sweet refer smoke comes our Dead Shit screening at 10:50pm, just late enough to sneak in the back and get your man-dick blown off by your little sweetie!
As if that awesomeness wasn't enough, a few weeks later the FIRST EVER Horror Convention to hit St. Louis in it's ballsack, Monstrous Weekend, smacks our faces from October 24th-26th! Again, Hack Movies will be on hand slapping bitches in the face with our dickmeat while high fiving their boyfriends and signing autographs for little kids! The info on our screenings there is still top secret, but keep checking back to the myspace blog and HackMovies.com for details on that flavor!
7 fucking shows in 11 months, with our first two hometown shows EVER, what could get better than that? How about a brand ass new Hack Mother Fucking Movie! That's right bitches, there's a new flick in the can! It's been shot, and re-shot, and fucking shot some more, and it's now in the post production proccess. We're still tight lipped about this super secret project, but I will tell you that any week now a trailer and teaser scene will be blasting off down your bitch gullet like last night's 8 inch uncut cockpiece! This is not Cockhammer, but a prequel. That's right, a prequel to Cockhammer will be dropping on Halloween! We may even have an ultra rare run of limited edition copies of this new flick on hand at Monstrous Weekend!
Pre-Production is nearly complete on CockHammer, we should be going into full production mode any time now. Keep checking back for more info on all this freshness! And keep your dick sucking lips pursed in anticipation for some all new Hack Merch set to drop sometime between now and Halloween! Expect new T shirts, new Buttons, new posters and new Stickers!
And just when you thought it was over, we're bringing back the 17th of the month myspace contest! So be sure to subscribe to the blog, then be one of the first 10 commentors on this very blog to recieve a completely FREE Colonel Kill Teaser DVD along with some free buttons and Stickers!
Good Luck Bitches, See you at Archon!
Hack Mother Fucking Movies
6/13/08
A new Era Dawns
Minions. I write to you today from a secret location miles below Strangeville. My doctor suggested I stay as far below ground as possibe to help combat the effects of some weird seisures I've been having lately. You see, for about 3 months, I've been afflicted with an odd disorder. First my dick would inexplicibly get hard for no good reason at all. Naturally I'd go ahead and start jerking off cause a hardon is a terrible thing to waste. But within seconds I'd begin to shake and convulse and eventually I'd black out. when I'd come to, I'd have scrawled a scene of a movie I've yet to write all over the floor in my own bile and fecees. Naturally I collected all of these unconcious writings and pain stakingly typed them out into what became the script for the next Mighty film from Hack Movies. A film know to the world as-haha, not yet. I have much to tell you about, so let me just go ahead and adjust my dick jewlery and get started:
Colonel Kill Has Come and Gone
We've washed off the camo paint and retired the hoodies, gang. the Kill Motherfuckers era has passed, and what a great fucking era it was! We touched thousands of you with our relentless brand of horror/satire/gross out/slap stick gore/comedy and I want to personally thank each and every on of you motherfuckers we've met online, at conventions, and at shows that gave Hack Movies and Colonel Kill a chance.
You ruthless ass lovers of the underground are what keep the wheels turning on this company. We honestly and sincerely could not do it without you fucks. We are truly an Underground. The mainstream does not, will not, and can not understand this thing we do. When you show most people a Hack Movie, they look at you sideways and ask you what the fuck is wrong with you. They don't feel this magic minions! Don't sweat them! Don't sweat the haters! Be proud to represent the underground! Be proud to represent Hack Mother Fucking Movies!
This wicked circus freakshow keeps on moving
With two conventions already behind us and a HUGE response from Chicago minions at Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors, we've added four additional convention appearances to our already jam packed 2008 schedule. First up on August 15-17th, we'll be heading down south to Louisville Kentucky for the Fright Night Film Fest to kick it with none other than the Creepy Kentuckian and Uncle Bill, collectively known as DEADPIT radio!
Then, a few short weeks later, the crew will head back to Indianapolis Indiana to school another group of unsuspecting horror fans at the HorrorHound Weekend Show!
Next up, in Sepetember, We've been invited to attend the second annual Dark Carnival Film Fest in Evansville Indiana. Hack Movies is gonna show Evansville what it means to be a true Hack minion. Full on face paint with costumed characters running around throwing flyers at every Tom Dick and Harry that walks by, spreading that Hack sickness like the fucking plague, you know how we do!
Finally, this perverse Horror train comes to a stop right here in our hometown, St. Louis Missouri at the Monstrous Weekend on October 27-29th! Don't miss the chance to meet the Hack Crew , score some exclusive Hack Merch, and the chance to personally suck our dicks at one of the infamous Hack Movies convention after parties!
A New Era Dawns
As if all this freshness weren't plenty for you to wrap your fake ass tupe pieces around, Hack Movies is about to begin production on our 3rd feature length film and 4th DVD release since 2006! The enery is strong with this one gang. Myself and other key members of the hack crew have found ourself drawn together late at night to remote and abandoned cornfields. What we found in these fields was always the same. The title of the next feature length film from Hack Movies, scrawled in the dirt:
CockHammer.
The plot of CockHammer is relatively straightfoward: A ruthless snuff porn filmmaker named CockHammer has been kidnapping and sacrificing all the hookers in Strangeville on film. A couple of hot and horny swinger girls get caught up in the satanicy mess and find themselves the next victims of this psychotic filmmaker. Now it's up to their douchbag boyfriends to find and rescue them before CockHammers evil plot sees fruition!
Gang, when I came to you those many months ago and told you that Colonel Kill was gonna be the most perverted and ruthless Hack Movie to date, I did Not Lie! I did not exagerate! I hyped up a crazy ass slasher film and I delivered! Now I come to you again, and I must tell you...CockHammer is the most perverse, disghusting piece of trash I have ever written! You sick fucks are in for a real treat with this one. We take the sex, drugs and gore quotient up 10 mother fucking knotches for this piece, best believe that!
So when does this sick fucking movie drop? We're currently, deep, DEEP into pre-production. We expect to shoot the flick sometime in September and October, so expect a release near Christmas or New Years 2009. But do not fret Minions! In the interm Hack Movies will be releasing a series of short promotional videos introducing you to the crazy ass henchmen employed by CockHammer: Wolfram and Windgate. Expect a new wolfram and Windgate video every month, starting with July 17th and running all the way up to the release of the CockHammer trailer.
There you have it Minions. Welcome to the Era of CockHammer! We'll see you at those Conventions! Buy a fucking Hack Value pack from HackMovies.com and rep the fuck outta your brand ass new T shirt and DVD piece! I now leave you with the first promo video of this exciting new era: Strangeville Cafe: CockHammer
